The cavity that never ends

“Carrying all of these thoughts is downright heavy.”

― Corey Ann Haydu, OCD Love Story

 

I tried to get creative. To take the prompt word cavity, and carve out an unrelated post with a twist that leads back to it.

But words go around on a carousel in my head: tooth cavity, dentist, extractions, floss, pain, blood, horror.

I’ve mentioned before that my thought spirals might have started twisting my insides when a dentist told me I have a cavity in my tooth. I was young, not even nine.

This was so unexpected, I was crushed, crumbling slowly inside, and dripping into a fast-spinning though-tornado.

This cavity left an irreparable hole in me.

I felt death approaching me faster than ever.

I felt my teeth going bad in my skull.

Started brushing and flossing as frequent as five times a day.

Carried my toothbrush and floss everywhere with me, they were my new security blanket.

Brushed after eating any tiny piece of food.

Refused to eat after brushing.

A brewing hatred for dentists started bubbling inside me.

I would hyperventilate and have trouble breathing at the same time when the dentist appointments rolled around.

But I continued to brush my sanity away.

I still do this. Some days more than others.

At least now I know that they are obsessions, and the more I fight, the more they gain power. In hopes that acknowledging the beast takes away some of the dread.

 

Let me know if you have any obsessive thought, and how you handle them?

 

8 Responses

  1. I do enjoy that you’ve made the prompt something personal to you.
    There’s no quick way of reigning your thoughts in, though my main method of doing so is placing myself in someone else’s shoes and offering them advice. It’s difficult, but admitting that brushing your teeth 5 times a day is much more damaging than the recommended twice is a great step. Taking the time to think and rationalise about what you’re doing is vital. We’re great at giving advice and terrible at taking our own, use this to your advantage.

    1. I understand what you mean, sometimes I wish I could run and leave my thoughts behind. But I am trapped in my skull with them.
      Thank you Patty, I greatly enjoy your beautiful poems too.

  2. Grudges. I used to hold on to grudges like it was fine art. When I felt someone did me wrong, I’d let that shit eat me alive. I eventually learned to quit keeping it on life support and pull the plug. It took time, and I do struggle from time to time with it, but it’s very far and few between.

    1. So happy that you pulled the plug. You’re so right that grudges eat a person alive. I hope no one ever does you wrong again.

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