“The sun stopped shining for me is all. The whole story is: I am sad. I am sad all the time and the sadness is so heavy that I can’t get away from it. Not ever.”
― Nina LaCour, Hold Still
The video script:
This is the Lions Gate bridge, it stretches over the blue waves and connects the lonely north shore to the city. Every now and then, this bridge closes because a tired soul is ready to let go of the warm rails and dive into the cold ocean of non-existence.
On the green metal that separates the thin air from the concrete, are unsigned messages that whisper in your head “you are not alone”.
I want to chat with you about something that sucks: depression.
It sucks BIG TIME.
For me, one day I wake up and the colors have been sucked from the world, my head and chest feel as if they have been punched, tears break through my hard blinks, the air heavily presses on me.
On another day, I wake up and everything is bright. Then I think, how could I possibly feel like I did on that gloomy day of horror. Everything is great, life is great.
Why on earth would I cry for no reason? Why would I want to crawl under all the hours and sleep into oblivion? Why would I want to harm myself? Why would I want to die?
Yup, it sucks.
Okay, so why this post? Just to “harsh your yumms?” (if you get that reference)
Well, I want to share three things that have helped me, so maybe it can also help you.
1.Acknowledge that this crappy cloud that only rains sorrow and suckiness, is the depression, not you! It’s an illness. When you have a cold, you are not the virus, but the virus is in you, depleting your resources.
It’s so hard, I know, And I am by no means there yet, but take little steps and remind yourself that you are not depression. Depression is a blanket that is covering you, preventing your true self to surface.
2.If you have suicidal thoughts, ask yourself: do you really want to die, or do you just not want to feel this way anymore?
I heard this in a TED talk and it resonated with me. On my good day, of course, I don’t want to die, because everything feels amazing. So if I don’t want to feel this way, then I have to seek help and support to get better. Yes, it’s a lot of work, yes I don’t have the energy for it, yes I am sick of trying so hard to feel half-decent. But maybe, it will be worth it. Maybe I will finally understand how “not-sad” feels.
I encourage you to reach out and grab a helping hand as well, there are a lot out there.
3.Once again, you are not alone. Firstly, you are not the only depressed person. There is at the very least me. Secondly, there are people who care, maybe they are strangers, maybe you don’t that they exist, maybe they don’t know that you exist, but they still put messages on bridges for us.
I feel a little better talking about this since I rarely ever talk about it. If you need to talk to someone, HELLO, I am someone, send me a message.
I feel that I must end with a conclusive and positive statement. But I don’t really know what to say. I guess I don’t know if things will get better, but I know that they can.
So on that distant possibility, I will end this.
Do you deal with any mental health challenges? What are the ingredients of your coping skills?
Resources for extra support:
Kati Morton (licensed therapist): https://www.youtube.com/user/KatiMorton
Yoga with Adriene: https://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene
Anxiety workbook: https://amzn.to/2OZzVQs
Depression workbook: https://amzn.to/2vB4AeJ