Gray Hair

“I’m tired of being inside my head. I want to live out here, with you.”

― Colleen McCarty, Mounting the Whale


I discovered the first shimmer of silver on my jet black hair when I was 15.

As an obsessive person this was no good.

I started cutting out the silver strands as they grew and taped them on strips of paper. I kept all the strips and compared them every few weeks to the new growth.

I spent endless hours on the internet searching for causes of premature gray hair. Began meditating every night, imagining dark hair sprouting out of my head in a fast time lapse. Popped vitamin B12 pills every day. Ate exactly 22 cashews every day to get copper. Squirted onion juice on my scalp three times a week (yes, it is as disgusting as it sounds).

This obsession went on for years.

Of course, nothing worked. All this thrust me further into an inescapable spiral.

Every time a new silver hair appeared, I could feel my mind being tugged into a maze of revolving doors. My thought got away from me and carved deep scars in me.

Today, I don’t care about the color of my hair anymore, although I have way more grays now. Why doesn’t it bother me anymore? I wish I knew.

I don’t choose my obsessions. I have new ones now. But this is me, and life goes on.

6 Responses

  1. I felt the same way about my graying hair. First it thinned, then it turned gray. And then I got tired of the whole damn thing and shaved my head. No there’s no gray. Or hair.

    1. It was a silly obsession for me that I didn’t really understand. Humans have weird hair anyway, what mammal grows hair from the top of their head forever!

      I’m glad that you took control over the situation 🙂

  2. I’ve never understood how people can lament the visible signs of aging. I cherish my wrinkles and gray hairs. I associate each one with another step on my journey to wisdom and maturity and consider them all marks of distinction. May you feel the same.

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