I’ve been sad

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Lately, I’ve been very sad. I always thought I am a generally happy person with some sad days. But now the bitter realization is dawning that maybe I am a generally depressed person with some good days.

 

I look back. What I see is me crying, for various reasons, almost every night until the end of my teenage years. In fact, I began wearing makeup in middle school to cover my puffy eyes. I did two university degrees after that, and I was pretty miserable. “It’s circumstantial”, I used to comfort myself.

 

The circumstances are gone now, but the weight of sadness still lingers. I cry once or twice a day. I don’t know why! Sadness, quite literally, leaks out of me. As if my tears are permanently resting on the brim of my eyelids, gushing out ferociously with every little nudge. I’m embarrassed.

 

It seems that I have to do so much work to feel “not sad”. Now, I am exhausted. I have no energy to suck out of me. Why is it so much work to not feel pulled down? Every day, I drain whatever is remaining, and make it through the hours. But then the next day comes, and I have to do it all over again. Each day that passes by it becomes harder to drag the weight of sadness. I am captured with no escape.

 

I feel hollow. An empty hole eats up all my will. I don’t want to work, write, paint, walk, eat, or be awake.

 

I feel guilty. I am being a crappy worker, friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter.

 

Between forcing down the tears and holding my head high, my pool of energy is bone dry.

 

I will see my therapist next week and ask for a note so I can take some time off work. I’ll be okay, don’t mean to worry you x

 

47 Responses

  1. There is nothing to feel embarrassed about. If you are depressed, if you need help, there’s help, and you deserve it. If you need time off, this is no less real than breaking a leg or coming down with a knock-you-flat virus. When it is too much, it is okay to seek help. Feelings just are, but if you feel wrung out and hollowed out and can’t get traction out of sadness, then you are right to reach out for support and to be honest about how hard it’s been. I hope your therapist can be that support for you or point you in direction of additional assistance if you’d need it. It CAN get better, and I’ll hold the light for you that it WILL get better soon. Thank you for reassuring us all that you are safe–if it changes and you feel unsafe, please call someone (or 911) for help. You are worth it. You deserve to feel joy and live in joy, not just struggle. Take care of you! Na’ama

    1. I am hoping they will have same understanding at work. I mean I am no good to anyone at this state. Thank you so much for the kinds words and encouragement, it really made me feel better x

  2. Hi Em! I really hope you’re going to feel better soon…
    You know what I use to do, when I feel like this? I watch online videos of the FailArmy or random YouTube videos on astronaut.io !
    It distracts my mind from everything else and always has a great effect on raising my mood.
    I don’t know, if this helps a lot. I just wanted to share that with you…

    Hope you have a good day, Em!

    1. Thank you Dennis. I will try this suggestion, I have a long weekend ahead of me, so perfect opportunity! I appreciate your support, thanks.

  3. I’m sorry to learn that you are struggling so. Glad you will be seeing the therapist. Hopefully, he/she will be able to help. Hang in there!!!!! Sending you comfort from the sadness
    and lots and lots of hugs!!!!! 💙

  4. Therapist is good. Time off is good. You might consider a mini paradigm shift during the time off. Visit a new place near home like a national park for a new experience. I like to shift countries for a month or so but realize that is not for everyone. The shock of a different country with a different language focuses my attention outward.

    1. Living in a different country periodically would be the dream! That’s awesome that you can do that. I will try to do things that scare me so I can refocus on something else. Thank you x

  5. You mention feeling guilty about being a crappy daughter. As a mother I will tell you, dont feel guilty that you’re not living up to some perceived ideal. Lose the guilt. Of course, I’d want my children to be happy but they don’t have to be something, they only have to be.

  6. I’m glad you are seeing/talking to your therapist. When it takes so much work and energy to not be sad, it’s a very good thing to reach out for help and care. Here’s to well wishes for your energy and your soul.

  7. I do think many feel the way you do – I know I’ve been in a funk lately and quite a few people I know have been too. I’m so glad you are taking time to see someone and get yourself the rest you need. I pray you will find your joy again soon.

  8. I know exactly how you feel! It really is the worst. Take some time for you even if it means just sleeping for awhile. I hope therapy goes well & you can slowly start getting your joy back!

  9. I am sorry to hear you are down like this Em. Never feel ashamed when you need time for yourself – one of the biggest hurdles is recognising you need it in the first, so remember to give yourself credit for that also.

    1. Thank you, really appreciate it. I have always felt embarrassed to say I need rest or time off. But my emotions are yelling at me right now.

      1. Em, we are all guilty of forgetting about our health, but mindfulness and wellness are the only things we have that do keep us going, no need to feel ashamed or embarassed at saying you are low 🙂

  10. Em,

    I’m saddened to learn of your suffering but take heart in knowing you’re taking positive steps to combat it. I suffer from periodic, possibly cyclical, depression. The things that keep me from falling into utter despair and help me pull out of a tailspin before it becomes terminal are family, writing, and blogging. In that order. Thoughts of you fill all three of those bills. I am with you as much as I’m able and am rooting for you, and when I am in pain, memories of our interactions cheer me.

    Keep your chin up, kiddo. I love you.

    Take care, be well, and happy writing,

    Denny

    1. Oh, Denny. Thank you so much for your precious and kind words. I have been having some hard realizations lately, one being that I’ve been depressed for the past 18 years. It is very tough to swallow and admit. But I appreciate kind thoughts and words like this, they really help me crawl out of depressive episodes. Be safe and happy x

  11. I can’t think of much that wouldnt be a beaten to a pulp tired cliche but wanted to send some positive vibes, hope things get ‘better’ or something close to it.

    If it was so easy, the Therapist would be out of a job.

  12. I can understand what you are feeling. I have been there and I’m in the process of recovery. Hope you recover soon. If you are given meds, take them in time.

    1. I’m so glad to hear that you are in the process of recovery. It is certainly one of the worst states to be in. Thank you for the kind wishes x

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