Ramblings Writings

That feeling

“As you start to walk on the way, the way appears.”

Another page out of my journal. My mind seems to be unraveling in isolation in an interesting way I don’t understand yet. So here it is. I will share it. I don’t know why. Maybe because I am want to know I am not alone:

Today, I am reminded of the feeling you get, the tingling excitement of anticipation for the day, the joy of a song, the start of a rainfall; to be there when it begins, to be the same as everything else it falls on.


The feeling of home. The feeling of being afraid of change. The feeling of craving change. The feeling of familiarity. The feeling of looking for the unfamiliar. The feeling of being boxed into to-do lists and aspirational habits. The fear of becoming nothing by doing nothing. 


Still, I feel clipped in my wings, sometimes. I carry too many stories. Too many metaphors. Too many to dos. To do. To do. To do. Why? Who said so?


How many times will we put ourselves out there to be scored?


Why do I need to show the inside my head? It’s messy. I haven’t cleaned in weeks. So much so that it hurts. I can’t get rid of the ache. 


I will make it, I think. I will be okay. I am sick of looking at the clock. What if I toss it out and breathe. Let the sun and the moon do their thing. I will be here, doing nothing, becoming nothing, and everything. I will be okay, I think.

What makes you excited these days?

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  1. My thoughts have been all over the place, too. Although, once benefit of being constantly anxious is that I no longer have the resources to force myself to do things that I don’t want to. While I have no doubt that this is ruining my life, it’s nice to have a brief window in which I feel like I can actually make my own decisions, instead of constantly running after what I’m “supposed” to do. Insanity has its benefits 😉

    1. Hello about 4 months later…the feeling took over and I guess I couldn’t force myself to keep a routine anymore! It’s been nice as you said to just “be” 🙂

      1. Hello about one month later 🙂

        My routine fell apart when the pandemic hit, too. Sometimes it’s not worth it pretending to be okay, and we need to give ourselves the space and time to “be.” Though, with COVID, I think that many of us were grieving the loss of the world we new – because things will never go back to the way they were.

  2. Knitting and baking..🍰💖

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